it’s tea time.

i haven’t actually written on this thing in a long time. just pictures…& quotes..an occasional video.

over the years there have been times when i put pictures on my walls, & at the same time always, i take some down. taking down pictures usually makes me sad. because they’re of past times, that will most likely never happen again. pictures of people, who i will probably never bond with so intimately again… & i’m just so positive that as i grow older, the youth that i see in those pictures will surely escape me. these are very hard facts, that i am not too cowardly or naive to face.
at least that’s what i tell myself.

2010 feels very different from 2009. i feel like, as i walked through advent this christmas season, the Lord showed me a lot about myself and those around me in my community. basically, i looked in the mirror, and saw what a shithead i have been for over a year now. not that i was or am basking in unhealthy guilt or anything, but i did need to reflect on my heart and my life in order to grow & mature.

i was most certainly tossed around by waves of false doctrine for a bit there.
not intentionally though. my one desire was to find truth- to see the gospel for what it really was. to find out what it looked like to live a life worthy of the true Gospel. but because i was more willing to listen to the voice of man instead of God, i was no longer sensitive to the Spirit..& i was grabbing anything, everything i could that sounded good and slightly right and making a huge mess out of my spiritual foundation & the mind & the soul that God gave me.
depression was there too.. my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, i couldn’t find a job (& i still haven’t), i knew i was tremendously confused but i didn’t want to admit it, my family was & is always borderline broke, i had & still have no clue how to make the changes i need to make in order to live the life i feel is right & beautiful (like living in intentional community, houses of hospitality, farming communes, being the bride, not conforming to this age or its’ bull shit ideas & selfish ways of living, etc)…i also made a lot of  mistakes in & out of relationships, burnt some bridges…. etc. etc. etc. & not everything was just entirely horrible, but then again it was.

but during advent, i had this strange hopeful feeling being birthed into me, that seemed to be saying- everything was going to be alright, that who i’ve been this past year isn’t who i really am, that i’m not an insane, & because of the grace of God, the fruit of my mistakes is going to be wisdom & strength & testimony alone.
thank you Jesus.

& since the beginning of January, as i’ve been toughing through this long & painful healing process (by the strength of Christ within me), i feel as though this huge floodgate has opened and all of this rich communion and insane insight and life-saving revelation has been flowing & pouring all over me! & it’s awesome.
& i actually want to give up things that aren’t beneficial. instead of just thinking “maybe i should”…
& obedience tastes like, the greatest loaf of bread ever made being consumed by someone who hasn’t eaten in 30 days.

in his law, lies freedom. his law is freedom. good news good news.

i am his temple? it’s all so wild & enchanting.

joy is penetrating my heart as well. which i have been starved of for a while now, due to myself of course. but it’s so good. & now i actually have energy to seek & pray & live one day at a time. not to say that i’ve been using every moment of my time wisely, but because of the Holy Spirit, i’m growing more & more aware of his presence inside and around me all throughout the day, which is just the motivation i need to surrender my hands and feet to His will for me.

it’s good.

and music is captivating, art is lovelier, the trees sparkle in sight, the wind breathes into my bones.. i feel like everything is new. & what do you know, spring is just around the corner.

lent starts soon & it’s just what i need. & then easter, oh easter!

but today is today too.

this tea was really good.